It’s one of those days. Where nothing’s wrong but everything is going wrong.
Everything that comes my way is too much it’s weighing me down.
Get out of bed, go to class, eat lunch, go to class, it never ends. The sheer act of opening my eyes and facing this life is taking all of the life out of me.
I can’t see the light at the end of this tunnel because I think I’m in an endless cavern with no way out.
Mountains rise before me too steep to hope to climb and yet I must.
I must climb because if I stop…
I wish it would stop.
Just stop being sad, smile, be happy, we all have crap, just get over it.
Don’t belittle my pain or deny me my thoughts.
Leave me alone because that’s what I need.
But don’t leave.
I need you.
I need contact.
I see you see me but you don’t see just how messed up I am.
My mask is broken but yours is in tact covering my pain so you don’t have to see.
I’m pathetically apathetic but I care too much.
I can’t find value in anything but I need value.
I need time when all the time I am wishing for less time and the time that I have I am wasting away while my body is fine but my mind is full of decay.
I can’t fight, I can’t move, I can’t climb up this mountain- it’s getting steeper.
It’s not that I’m overworked- I’m just under the weight of the world with nothing tangible weighing my world down.
How are you doing?
I don’t know! Nothing is fine yet everything is fine but to me the world is falling down and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
I say I’m sorry and I don’t know why but the why isn’t important as long as you’re not mad at me.
I’m a burden.
Perhaps it’s because everything in my life is more burdensome than before and I wonder how I can even stand.
I can’t give up because this life is worth more but the worth is elusive.
I pray to my God for deliverance from this but nothing is heard.
I need you, God.
I need you to take me out of this pit and stand me on my two feet but no they fail just like everything else, can I stand on you?
But then what if I can’t find you?
I know you’re there but I can’t seem to see you; my brain says you’re there but my mind thinks you don’t care.
There’s a difference.
You see, the brain is the logic and fact while the mind is what twists everything beyond recognition.
Do you recognize me?
Every minute I’m awake I can’t place who I am, what happened?
I can’t. I can’t continue with this fight when the mountain will rise and the path gets so narrow and the rocks get larger and the wind gets stronger and the climb never ends.
It would be so easy to jump.
I know I won’t and I know I can’t but like Paul I feel that to die is gain.
But to live is Christ.
So I must.
I must continue this fight and climb till I die because somehow this will help- don’t tell me this will help when right now I can’t find help.
But I can’t be.
My future and present are battling and all I can do is cower and wonder how will this ever end.
Because it has to end, right?
It has to end.
This pain and this fear and this weight of the world must end- for if all good things must come to an end, so should bad, right?
Yet it hasn’t.
My hope for the end is so elusive by now because the end is elusive and the fight is much too present.
But I fight.