Miracle or Reprieve?

For the last 10 days, I have enjoyed life. Experienced joy. For the first time in years, I was 100% depression free. God has blessed me in ways that I could never comprehend. Because of this miraculous gift, some questions began to form. One in particular stood out.

Miracle or reprieve?

I have endured this depression for so long that I didn’t know what life was like without it. It had become a part of me. A shadow that was always around.

Because of this, I found it that much more amazing when it was gone. I was finally able to see my life for what it really is- a gift from God. A blessing.

All of my doubts, my fears, my hesitations- they were all gone. The clouds that followed me had given way to sunshine.

So, naturally, I wanted to know.

Miracle or reprieve?

For the past 24-48 hours, however, the clouds have begun to lurk. It’s like they’re on the edge of the horizon- just close enough to hear the distant thunder.

And now they have begun to roll in. Once again, shadows have returned to my life. Not to the extent to which they were. But they’re there.

So that answers the question- it was a reprieve.

But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a miracle. These past 10 days have been amazing. Even though I may suffer with depression for the rest of my life, I know that God is with me. He watches over me. He blesses me.

He gave me this 10 day reprieve when I needed it most. And for that I am extremely grateful. God has done the most amazing thing for me- He has given me perspective.

So thank you, Lord. Thank you for this gift. And for those that you will continue to give.

Don’t feel bad for me- pity is useless. I am thankful for the gifts and the trials- because it is through both of these that God is preparing me for His work. I am blessed beyond words.

Thank you, God, for the miracle reprieve. 

 

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Revival

You may have seen my last post. It was an admission of defeat. I was overcome. Numb. Tired of fighting. It’s funny how quickly things can change.

As a student at a Christian University, I have the opportunity to attend Revival at the Nazarene church on campus every semester. I’ve gone to most of the revival services since I started here, and have attended revival services my entire life. During my first semester last year, a professor told me something that I had never heard before: Revival is for the Church.

I mean, sure, it is an extremely powerful time for saints and sinners alike, but the entire purpose of revival is to revive our relationship with Christ. And man, did God come through this week.

I didn’t want to go to the service tonight. I was defeated, my head was pounding, I was exhausted, and I had tons of homework to do. Basically everyday for college students.

However, I had committed over the weekend to greet at every evening revival service- no matter how I was feeling. So I went.

I am so amazingly glad I did.

At the beginning of today, when I posted my previous blog entitled¬†Numb, I had given up. Not on life. But on feeling anything. I had resigned myself to being a desert- because to allow any feelings into my life was to allow the possibility of depression to drag me down once again. I couldn’t face that possibility. So I chose apathy.

Then God revived me.

From the very beginning of Dr. David Busic’s message, I knew God was going to speak to me. The text used was Psalm 22. It’s a Psalm of lament. It’s not everyday that you hear a sermon preached on lament. Every word that Dr. Busic spoke as he read the psalm tore deep through my apathy into the emotion that I had tried so hard to abandon.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Oh my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer.

I am a worm and not a man.

Be not far from me, for trouble is near; for there is none to help.

The Psalmist- presumably David- is crying out to God. Asking him why. Why did you abandon me? Why do I not feel you? Why am I alone?

Dr. Busic made a point of saying that 70% of Psalms are of pain and not praise. Lamenting is a good thing. Being honest with God is a good thing.

And you know what?

The Psalms of Pain always come before the Psalms of Praise.

I could feel my sorrows come rushing back to me. Everything that had weighed me down over the last 7 years came to the surface at once. I had to lament. I had to ask God why.

Why? Why was lamenting to the God that for some reason I blamed for my pain a good idea?

Because lament is a result of a faith in a God that is present in the darkness- in the pain- in the sorrow.

God listened. He loves.

The desert of numbess that I had created for myself was suddenly inundated with refreshing, painful, amazing, scary, and wonderful water.

I am relying on Him. I am choosing life. I am choosing revival.

I am choosing to feel again.

Praise God.

Numb

I feel nothing.

It’s not that I can’t feel love or hate or anything in between. I can. I know I’m loved and I love in return.

But I can’t feel anything. It’s like all of my pain has hollowed me out. Like there is nothing left.

And you know what?

It’s not terrible.

I mean, yeah, feeling happy and joyful would be great, but that always ends up with me once again buried in a pit of depression.

You know, I hate that word.

I only use it because there are no words to describe what it’s like. But I hate it. It’s become such a large part of my vocabulary since I opened up, and every time I hear it, read it, or say it, I flinch.

I’m so tired of hearing it.

But now… I’m not depressed. I am just here. Emotionless.

Numb.

It’s like I’m in a desert. Water is life. Emotion. Pain. Sorrow. But there is no water. Just sand. Just openness. Solitude.

I don’t know how long I will stay here. On this comfortable island of numbness. I will miss feeling happy- but I am protected from depression. I know that as long as I’m numb, I will not fall into depression. I will be free from it.

To open my mind and my heart to feelings once again is to make myself vulnerable to the issues that have for so long plagued me. I’m just not ready for that.

So I wait. Not for anything specific. Not for any specific time. Just for clarity of where to go from here.

Do I move forward?

Do I stay numb?

I am pretty sure I put myself here.

As a defense.

So why leave?

For now, I’m content.

I’m okay with being numb.